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Uh. [01 May 2002|04:29am]
[ mood | bitchy ]

I'm back.

...

Just to announce that I have a new livejournal.

Username lorichan.

Goodbye.

End your misery

Ouch, Glin. Ouch. [22 Mar 2002|01:48am]
[ mood | sad ]

Iittle rebel: I'm so sleepy, but I don't wanna go to bed. -.-;;
Universal Honour: Why not..? o.o
Iittle rebel: I dunno. o.o; I wanna stay up and talk to you?
Universal Honour: Ech.. I'm not in a talkative mood, actually.
Iittle rebel: Heh.
Iittle rebel: I'll leave you alone if you want me to? x.x;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
Universal Honour: If ye want. Heh.

That.. hurt.
I don't think he meant anything by it, maybe I'm just overly-emotional, but.. yeah. It hurts my feelings when someone acts like they don't want to talk to me. Maybe I will leave him alone for awhile..

End your misery

...... [13 Mar 2002|10:04pm]
I can't trust anyone anymore.
End your misery

Don't drink and drive--And no, I'm not being sarcastic. [11 Mar 2002|12:57am]
[ mood | sad ]

I'm sorry, Brian.
And I'm sorry, Joe.
If there is a heaven.. and if there is a God.. I hope you're there, and you're with him. And you're happy.
Brian, you know if you want to talk to me, you can, right?
I hope so.

1 comment|� End your misery

o.o; A simple test.. [08 Mar 2002|04:13pm]

Did I use the right code for align right? o.o;; I think I did..

End your misery

Heh.. [07 Mar 2002|11:09am]
[ mood | sad ]

"I wonder if life will ever make sense. If I could just suddenly understand everything, know the purpose of everything. You know what I mean? I guess so.. everyone feels this way. And I guess it will never be figured out, you know? Life will never make sense... that's what I hate about life."

This is what I said to my dog, this morning. Stupid, yeah, carrying on a conversation like that with your dog. But so what if she can't give me words of wisdom? She offered me a lick on the chin and crawled into my lap. And if that's good enough for Nikki, it's good enough for me.
Heh, I'm a nutcase, am I not? Ah well.. these journals are for ranting in, so I guess this is the best place to express all my pent-up emotions.
Hnn.. alot -has- been on my mind lately, actually. Mainly my dad. Everyone tells me that I love him, I just don't want to show it. But I seriously hate my father. After all he did to me, my mom.. everyone in the family. He single-handedly destroyed what everyone thought was a perfect family. And I wasn't even a live to experience it. Yep, you guessed it, he did all of this.. while mom was still pregnant with me. So basically my life was ruined before it even started. My father is such a nice guy, isn't he?
I'm not saying I don't want a dad, though.. I want someone I can trust, someone I can love. Someone I can run to when I'm scared or worried.. someone that will help me when I need help, and be nice to me. Someone I can call my dad. But there's no one like that for me. I don't trust my own dad.. or anyone my mom ever dated. I've had fatherly figures online, though--which is what I want, actually! A fatherly figure from the internet, seeing as how those are the only people I actually trust and like.. but none of them would actually let me think of them as a father. So I guess I'll always be without that dad I always wanted.. ah well, I lasted this long without him, I can last the rest of my life.
... Right?

End your misery

Heh.. [07 Mar 2002|10:54am]
[ mood | sad ]

"I wonder if life will ever make sense. If I could just suddenly understand everything, know the purpose of everything. You know what I mean? I guess so.. everyone feels this way. And I guess it will never be figured out, you know? Life will never make sense... that's what I hate about life."

This is what I said to my dog, this morning. Stupid, yeah, carrying on a conversation like that with your dog. But so what if she can't give me words of wisdom? She offered me a lick on the chin and crawled into my lap. And if that's good enough for Nikki, it's good enough for me.
Heh, I'm a nutcase, am I not? Ah well.. these journals are for ranting in, so I guess this is the best place to express all my pent-up emotions.
Hnn.. alot -has- been on my mind lately, actually. Mainly my dad. Everyone tells me that I love him, I just don't want to show it. But I seriously hate my father. After all he did to me, my mom.. everyone in the family. He single-handedly destroyed what everyone thought was a perfect family. And I wasn't even a live to experience it. Yep, you guessed it, he did all of this.. while mom was still pregnant with me. So basically my life was ruined before it even started. My father is such a nice guy, isn't he?
I'm not saying I don't want a dad, though.. I want someone I can trust, someone I can love. Someone I can run to when I'm scared or worried.. someone that will help me when I need help, and be nice to me. Someone I can call my dad. But there's no one like that for me. I don't trust my own dad.. or anyone my mom ever dated. I've had fatherly figures online, though--which is what I want, actually! A fatherly figure from the internet, seeing as how those are the only people I actually trust and like.. but none of them would actually let me think of them as a father. So I guess I'll always be without that dad I always wanted.. ah well, I lasted this one without him, I can last the rest of my life.
... Right?

End your misery

.. Ugh.. [02 Mar 2002|07:12pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

I want to set this straight with all of you--All of you meaning people that are both Tami's friend and mine.
What Brian said on his journal, when he 'thanked' me for something after saying something rude to Tami. I didn't tell him to say that.
I'm tired of being told how low I am, I'm not! Damnit.. I know this has gone too far! I never wanted to be involved with anything about Tami anymore. I never hurt her. If one of the two of us was hurt, it was me. I'm also not saying that Brian didn't hurt her, I know he did, I mean.. I don't know what I mean.
I feel guilty, and I have no reason why. I'm not involved with this, I just want to be invisible as far as Tami's concerned. I just want her to forget about me, and I wish I could forget about her. It hurts too much, thinking about how I wanted to be friends with her.. so much.. but she hates me.
Another reason why I'm afraid to forget about her is.. that would mean I would have to forget about two other people, who are actually my friends: Ky and Juri.
They mean too much to me.. I value their friendship so much. And they're disappointed in me because of this.
I dunno if Juri knows about this journal--probably so, she talks about Brian's journal in her own so much that she had to have looked at his friends list.
And Kylene reads my journal.. I think. She probably stopped. Since I stopped updating. I dunno..
But, if either of you read this.. comment, or IM me about it, please?
.. I think I'm going to be sick now..

End your misery

e.e; [26 Feb 2002|10:03am]
New livejournal for when I'm feeling 'inspired'.
End your misery

Old songs rekindle old memories.. [24 Feb 2002|12:42pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

Early this morning.. Shawn signed on IRC, as he did the morning before. These two mornings, we talked alot.. first time was slightly more pleasant. This morning? Ehn..
After we were talking, I felt the sudden need to.. listen to Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls. I suppose you would call that 'our song'.. we both loved it so much, and he said it made him think of me. He even sang it to me over the phone once.
Slightly confused? Thinking "'Their song'? Were they together?" and the answer is.. yeah. We were. For awhile. I broke up with him because I finally realized that.. I would never be able to think of him more than just a really, really close friend.
I got on WinMX and looked the song up, then downloaded it. Once it was done, I put my earphones on, double-clicked the file so Winamp opened and..
Just hearing the beginning of it, I started crying. I don't know.. a rush of old memories hit me, and damn did they hit me hard.
I don't know.. my friend Ben says that I still love Shawn, but I'm positive I don't. It's just.. back then, was before life was 'rough' for me. Now, I'm sorta.. scared of boys. I've been hurt too much. With Shawn.. I felt safe. I don't know.. maybe that's why I couldn't think of him more than a friend. I felt safe with him. Protected. Content. He was like my big brother.. and he would have made a better brother than the two I really have.
I'm still listening to Iris.. regardless of the fact that all I can think of is the 'good old days'.. back when, if I was scared.. or worried.. all I had to do was pick up the phone, and call Shawn. Once I was able to hear his voice.. everything was okay. Even on the computer.. just talking to him could calm me down.
.. Yes, I do still love Shawn. Like a brother. Shawn is my brother. And I'm happy having him like that.

1 comment|� End your misery

Goddamnit.. [24 Feb 2002|02:36am]
[ mood | sad ]

Fuck you world. I'm sick and tired of you right now. Sometimes I want to effin' die. This is one of those times.
Glin had signed off suddenly, mentioning something about wanting to call Alicia and Shane. So all I did was ask Alicia if she knew where he was. What was her answer?
"Don't know, don't care."
How smart-assed can you get? Then she started ranting that she was sick and tired of me talking about him all the time. She talks about Shane more than I talk about Glin, what in the hell is her problem?
Alicia and I used to be so close.. now all we seem to do is piss each other off. I don't mean to make her mad by talking about Glin.. I just effin' love him so much.. and I hate myself when she makes me mad.. I feel horrible, being aggravated at her..
I have no clue what happened.. we used to never fight or anything.. what was the sudden change? Whatever it was.. I don't like it. I don't know why any of this is happening.. I don't know why my life has to suck so effin' much..
All I know is.. is that I want my best friend back.

3 comments|� End your misery

Ohohoho.. [23 Feb 2002|07:00am]
[ mood | content ]

Iittle rebel: Glin?
Sublevel Threat: Yep.
Iittle rebel: Hey.
Sublevel Threat: Oei.. My room mates just got done doing coke.. I'm the only tired one in the house, now.
Iittle rebel: o.o;;;
Iittle rebel: Er.. that sucks?
Sublevel Threat: ::Nod::
Iittle rebel: *Pets.*
Sublevel Threat: ::Purr:: ^_^
Iittle rebel: ^^;
Iittle rebel: .. Blegh, stupid headache hasn't gone away YET.
Sublevel Threat: Join the club. ~_~
Iittle rebel: *Pets.*
Sublevel Threat: Ehehe.. ::Petted::
Iittle rebel: I'm so bored.. no one that's on seems to wanna talk. x.x
Sublevel Threat: I'm just.. tired.. And bored.
Sublevel Threat: I think I'll go rampage UNC's servers s'more.. O.o
Iittle rebel: o.o;
Iittle rebel: Stupid headache.. *Bangs her head on the computer screen.* x.x
Sublevel Threat: o_o;;
Sublevel Threat: There has got to be something a doctor or something can help..
Iittle rebel: I doubt it.. *Stops banging her head.* Whoa.. I think that rattled my brain.. x.x
Sublevel Threat: o_o
Sublevel Threat: I mean, for real, ask your Mom or something to get ya to a doctor once ya get the chance, or something, I think it might help, ya know?
Iittle rebel: I doubt she'd take me if I asked.
Sublevel Threat: Sure she would..
Sublevel Threat: If not, ask someone who will..?
Iittle rebel: If mom won't do it, I doubt anyone else will.
Sublevel Threat: Why wouldn't she?
Sublevel Threat: Wouldn't hurt to ask..
Iittle rebel: She's like that. I asked her things like that before, she never bothered helping me.
Sublevel Threat: Then I'd explain to her just how I'm feelin', and then say a few curse words.. ::Laughs:: But that's me.
Iittle rebel: I do that. She still won't.
Sublevel Threat: Heh..
Sublevel Threat: Well, that's fucked.
Sublevel Threat: On your mother's end.
Iittle rebel: Indeed it is.
Sublevel Threat: Won't your grandmother take you?
Iittle rebel: My grandma? HAHA. *Laughs, shaking her head.* Oh wait.. you weren't making a joke. o.o;; Erm.. grandma is worse than mom at that.
Sublevel Threat: Well then, screw them both, I say..
Iittle rebel: Heh.
Sublevel Threat: I know it's family and all, but damn.
Iittle rebel: My family hates me, actually.
Sublevel Threat: Oei.. I know the feeling.
Sublevel Threat: Who -can- you talk to? Like, your dad?
Iittle rebel: I don't see my dad at all.
Sublevel Threat: Another wonderful fact we both have in common. ::Laughs::
Iittle rebel: Heh.
Iittle rebel: Grr.. I swear.. when I graduate.. I'm gonna go to school to be a doctor.. THEN FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME, AND EFFIN' CURE IT.
Sublevel Threat: Takes too long, if you ask me..
Iittle rebel: What other choice do I have? T.T;;
Sublevel Threat: Muah.. I'm joining the Marines once I'm 17..
Sublevel Threat: Uh..
Sublevel Threat: I dunno. o.o;
Iittle rebel: Dude.. I'm joining the Navy. o.o;; And my friend Kylene is joining the Marines.. claims she's gonna brainwash me to join them too. x.x;
Sublevel Threat: ::Laughs:: Squid.
Iittle rebel: .. x.x;;
Sublevel Threat: I'm looking into the Marines Force Recon or the SEAL Team.
Sublevel Threat: SEAL Team 6, if I can.
Iittle rebel: Heh.
Iittle rebel: I dunno, I know more about the Navy because my grandfather was in it and he used to tell me stories about it. But I might join the Marines, haven't decided.
Sublevel Threat: Well, as long as you don't go Army, everything is fine and dandy. ^_^
Iittle rebel: Eh? ^^;
Sublevel Threat: Army- Ain't Ready to be a Marine Yet.
Iittle rebel: .. Heh.
Sublevel Threat: Oei.. So.. Sleepy..
Sublevel Threat: Can't sleep.. 5:10AM...
Iittle rebel: It's 6:10 here. x.x;
Iittle rebel: Dude.. I wonder if I'm sick again. o.o; Out of nowhere, I have a sore throat.
Sublevel Threat: Attempt to swollow any rather large objects lately? ::Snickers::
Iittle rebel: .... *Stare.* o.o;
Sublevel Threat: o.o;;;
Iittle rebel: Eheh..
Sublevel Threat: Anyway! ^^
Iittle rebel: Anyway! ^^;
Iittle rebel: .. Well that was weird. o.o; My mom walked into the livingroom, turned the TV off because no one was watching it, then just walked right back into her bedroom.
Sublevel Threat: o.o
Iittle rebel: Erm.. anyways! ^^
Iittle rebel: I dunno how much time I got left on my phonecard, but if I have enough, can I call you later today? ^^;
Sublevel Threat: Of course, any time ya want. ^^;
Iittle rebel: Yay. ^^;;
Iittle rebel: Dude, I wanna get more phone cards so I can call you alot. XD I love talking on the phone with you.
Sublevel Threat: o.o;; Why?
Iittle rebel: I dunno!
Iittle rebel: Usually I hate talking on the phone, but it's so fun with you. ^^;;
Sublevel Threat: Ehehe. ^^;
Iittle rebel: .. I talk more on the phone with you, too. o.o; Usually I'm so quiet.
Sublevel Threat: ^^ I feel special, now.
Iittle rebel: .. Plus you have the coolest voice. o.o;
Sublevel Threat: o.o;;
Sublevel Threat: Uh, that, I couldn't help.
Iittle rebel: .. What? o.o; You do. I dunno, I just love your voice. x.x; If I'm -ever- quiet on the phone with you, it's usually because I'm just.. listening to you talk because you sound so cool. x.x
Sublevel Threat: Ehehe. ^.^
Iittle rebel: Erm.. don't mind me, I have the weirdest obsessions. o.o; Yeah, I'm obsessed with the sound of your voice. I'm an idiot.
Sublevel Threat: Not really. I've been told I have a cool voice.
Iittle rebel: You do! *NodNodNod* x.x;
Sublevel Threat: ^^;
Iittle rebel: ^^;
Iittle rebel: .. People say I have a cool voice, but I think I sound like a little girl. o.o;;
Sublevel Threat: Not really. o.o
Iittle rebel: Eh? o.o;
Sublevel Threat: You don't. o.o You have an attractive voice. ^^;
Iittle rebel: 'Attractive'? *Blink.*
Sublevel Threat: Ehehe..
Iittle rebel: What does that mean? ^^;;
Sublevel Threat: Means.. It's appealing.
Iittle rebel: Oh? ^^;
Sublevel Threat: ::Nodnod::
Iittle rebel: I feel special. ^^;;
Sublevel Threat: Ehehe. ^^
Iittle rebel: I don't see how you can find my voice 'appealing' but I feel special anyways. ^^;
Sublevel Threat: Well, I just do. o.o;;
Iittle rebel: o.o;;
Iittle rebel: Erm.. okie. o.o;;
Iittle rebel: Yay, my headache is starting to go away. o.o;
Sublevel Threat: Sweet. ^.^
Iittle rebel: How's yours? x.x;
Sublevel Threat: Still faintly there.. I can feel it..
Iittle rebel: Same here, but it's starting to get better.
Iittle rebel: *Pets.* I hate headaches. x.x;
Sublevel Threat: So do I... ~_~
Iittle rebel: They're so annoying. ~.~
Sublevel Threat: Oei.. Well.. I think I'll go lay down..
Sublevel Threat: Guess I'll talk to you lateR?
Iittle rebel: *Nods.*
Sublevel Threat: Alright, bye. ::Nuzzle:: ^^

That, ladies and gentlemen, was my conversation with Glin for the night. I love him so much it hurts..

End your misery

Indeed, sheep go to heaven, Jess. Indeed they do. [23 Feb 2002|04:47am]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

I just put an entire pack's worth of gum in my mouth, chewed it up, then blew a bubble larger than my head. Probably my biggest accomplishment ever. Makes you think, really.. how every accomplishment is like that. Pretty much worthless. What did I really get with this one? Nothing but a faceful of gum once the bubble popped.
I suppose.. the bubble symbolizes satisfaction. Sure, we feel proud of ourself.. but pride like that doesn't last forever. And soon it pops--sometimes right back in our face. But.. if life is simply full of popping bubbles, then why do we attempt to accomplish things at all?
.. That's something to ponder on..

4 comments|� End your misery

...... [23 Feb 2002|03:54am]
My deadjournal says it all.
End your misery

On a lighter note-ah.. [21 Feb 2002|11:43pm]
[ mood | cynical ]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHINII-CHAN!!!!!!!

*THROWS CAKE AND ICECREAM AT HER.*

I no get you present! O_@ WHAT DO YOU WANT?! NAME YOUR PRICE! *IS NOW THROWING MONEY AT HER.* e.e;;;;

End your misery

.. Hnnnn... [21 Feb 2002|11:29pm]
[ mood | sad ]

I always wonder. And I mean, seriously wonder..
Why am I so effin' unpopular? Sure I have friends, but they never seem to wanna talk.
I'm always the one to IM people.. I feel so.. so.. I dunno. Talkative. They may talk more than me, but I'm always the first to talk.
Only person that ever actually IMs me is Brian. Lauren on occassion. But that's not enough.
I want to feel like people actually want to talk to me! I may be complaining for no reason, but I swear..
Maybe I'm just paranoid, but it's lonely when I wanna talk but I feel foolish IMing someone..
*Sigh* u.u;

End your misery

Words of wisdom. [21 Feb 2002|09:46pm]
TIGERS DON'T LIVE IN AFRICA!

And neither do I. o.o;
2 comments|� End your misery

Dude. [21 Feb 2002|12:30pm]
[ mood | amused ]

I just got home from one of the coolest days in my young life. Haha. Too bad I got caught.
There's this place called KAOZ, it's like a hangout. It has everything. Tattoos, piercings, drugs, Gothic stuff. Basically everything that's not allowed. Did I go? But of course. My best friend Jeffrey came along too.
The place is in Gainsville.. those of you that don't know Florida, that's about thirty miles from here. We dug out twenty bucks then took a bus. This was like.. at 6:00 in the morning. The place stays open almost 12 hours a day, basically at night until early morning. So we caught the people that stayed all night.
DAMN was it cool. Though Jeff and I didn't do much--tattoos and piercings would get us in trouble.. er, yeah. Something fairly permanant. Not good. And we didn't exactly want to get high either, Lord knows what would happen if we did.
So we basically just hung around with the people that seemed worthy of our presence(Haha. e.e)And 'hung out'.
We left the place at about.. 9:00, and we couldn't gather enough money for the bus, so we were planning on walking some of the way, then resort to hitch-hiking. About a mile down the road, a police car stopped and the guy asked why we weren't in school. Fucked-up luck, ne?
We weren't repeat offenders, so he just took Jeffrey to school and dropped me off at home because I told him I was homeschooled. Mom's mad as hell at me, but she didn't take my computer away. So.. it's all good, I suppose.
Glin and Marie are on now, so I'm gonna end this freaky entry to talk to them.
Today was so cool. XD

1 comment|� End your misery

Pointless entry. o.o; [20 Feb 2002|05:04am]
[ mood | amused ]

I decided to take this time to show you my image song, then explain it as it goes along.

Nine Days - Absolutely(Story of a Girl)

This is the story of a girl
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And while she looked so sad in photographs
I absolutely love her when she smiles


As you all know, I'm a manic-depressive. I've cried a river one too many times in my life, I'll tell you that.

How many days in the year
She woke up with hope, but she only found tears?
Actin' so insincere
Making the promises never for real


Okay.. this reminds me alot of Brian. I dunno.. many a days have I woke up with hope that he'd feel the same way, and only ended up crying. Brian is really insincere, and made and broke many promises too. e.e;

As long as she stands there waiting
Wearing the holes in soles of her shoes


I don't get the 'holes in the shoes' part but.. eh.. n.n;

How many days dissapear?
You look in the mirror so how do you choose?


Very deep. o___o;;

Your clothes never wear as well the next day
And your hair never falls in quite the same way
You never seem to run out of things to say


That basically tells my imperfection. My clothes never wear as well as they did at some time.. my hair never looks as good as it did at some point, and I never run out of things to say so HA. o.o;

This is the story of a girl
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And while she looked so sad in photographs
I absolutely love her, when she smiles


Already explained this part..

How many lovers would stay
Just to put up with this shit day after day?
How do we wind up this way?
Watchin' the mouths for the words I would say


Another Brian memory.. BLAH.

As long as we stand here waiting
Wearing the clothes of the soles I would choose
How do we get there today?
If we're walkin' to far from the price of the shoes.


There's that shoe talk again. o-o

Your clothes never wear as well the next day
And your hair never falls out quite the same way
You never seem to run out of things to say

This is the story of a girl
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And while she looked so sad in photographs
I absolutely love her, when she smiles


Already described those two parts so.. ladies and gentlemen.. that is Lori's themesong. Sankyuuu. o.o;

End your misery

Pathetic.. so pathetic.. [20 Feb 2002|02:24am]
[ mood | depressed ]

Talking to Glin.. he commented that all our conversations are.. dull. And I hate to admit it, but he's right. For some reason, it takes forever for us to actually reach a subject worth talking about. But even though most of our conversations go nowhere, I still want to talk to him. I love talking to him...
He said his parents called his probation officer one day when he had a bad day, and he's going to see her tomorrow. He might not be allowed on for a week.. or a month, if something goes wrong. Damn, that would be a week of hell for me..
How can I love someone so much.. when we've known each other for such a short time? And people even say I'm too young to be in love, but.. damnit, I love Glin. Yes, I haven't known him long. Yes, we're both kinda 'young' for love. I don't care. I don't care. I love Glin, that's all that matters...
..Right?

End your misery

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